I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize