He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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