Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
