I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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