Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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