I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
