Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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