You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
