Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
