What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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