i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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