Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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