did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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