Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
