girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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