our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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