so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
