Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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