This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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