swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
