there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I am spending my child support on dildos
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
