My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
