I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize