I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
