Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
