Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
