Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
