marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
