Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Did we literally take a cab across the street
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
