I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
