Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
