He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
