That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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