im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
