Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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