I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
