don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My vagina is officially offended.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
