he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I wish you could order shots online.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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