do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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