advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
