I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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