I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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