Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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