took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Randomize
