Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
