I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
