Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
