if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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