the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
