yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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