well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
