Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
