sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
