I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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