I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
