I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
