if you like me you must not know who I am
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
